Thursday 24 December 2015

4 reasons why Santa (potentially) breaks the law

Ever since we were little, we have been fed a myth - or if you prefer: a legend - about Santa Claus. It is an elderly, plump man, dressed in chilli-red, who only works one night a year, distributing presents among millions of children around the globe. Here are a few aspects of his actions that may just make you look at this eternal altruist from a slightly different perspective: 




1. Employment rights and environment pollution

Santa spends his entire year on the sofa, lazily watching X-factor and Strictly on TV, with a beer, brought to him by his wife. Maybe there's a Bond movie in the mix. Maybe. All goes well in the North Pole state, or Finland, whatever. In the meantime, an army of elves makes toys. I don't know, maybe they're all happy working for the man, in all those factories. Maybe Santa is a great boss. But you know what they say about people who dress in red. Also, they are excluded from the global economy as such (although I have a worrying feeling that the Chinese may have something to say here, as the Santa empire costs them a penny or two in profit). I don't think they have legitimate unions. Is there anyone checking, by the way? Doubt it. Moreover, the global warming's causing troubles, the ice is melting, and I do not want to point fingers, but all that pollution from plastic toy manufacturing must go somewhere... Greenpeace, in case of any anonymous calls on the subject, take them seriously.



2. Transport - animal cruelty

Ok, seemingly Santa's all good on the issue of transport, because his sledges are environmentally friendly. On the other hand, animal rights activists may have a problem here - the reindeers, even though they only work one night a year (officially, anyway), have to pull heavy sleigh filled with presents all the way around the world. This may just be classified as animal cruelty, and someone should check it - with a clipboard. Especially if one of the poor four-legged beasts finally drops on an innocent pedestrian's head. Just imagine: you're spending your Christmas in hospital, after Rudolph fell directly on your back. And you were lucky he did not pierce your lungs with his antlers. The only positive thing is that, in addition to turkey, you have plenty of venison on your Christmassy table (finders-keepers, you know).


3. Break-in and trespassing - no punishment for the Saint

Mr Claus every year breaks into numerous houses, through a chimney. Everyone thinks it's ok, because he doesn't steal anything, only leaves gifts. For now. One beautiful Christmas Day you will wake up to naked walls and no TVs, with a note stuck to your door, saying: "Ho, ho, ho, losers!" No one will even realise; the man's had ages to practise. Besides, there is one more thing that worries me: if a man with a big beer belly is able to easily squeeze his way into your living room through a narrow chimney, then an average ninja can get through to you via your bathroom pipes. Think about it next time you're taking a bath... or doing something else.

If he was dressed in black, you'd look at him differently...
4. Violation of privacy and unfair judgement

Everyone knows that Santa is looking at us throughout the year and then decides whether we were good or naughty. First of all, this is a blatant violation of privacy. Mark Zuckerberg takes good lashing for that, but Santa is clean as a whistle. Law doesn't seem to apply to the famous saint; he does whatever he wants with our personal data. It wouldn't surprise me if he made a quiet buck selling the details to corporations.  As if that wasn't enough, based on our confidential information, the man in red judges us as he pleases. Not only this should go to the highest tribunal, but someone should punch him in the face.


As you can see, Santa may just be an anagram of the other guy (just play with n and t; that's right, you know who I mean). I propose a serious review of his person, actions and video recordings he is holding in his private library. Who's with me?


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